(The lights are turned off. The theme song of Star Wars is played and then stopped abruptly when it is realized that that was the wrong track. An audio recording of a African Safari is played next. There is a general unrest among the audience. One of them starts howling like Tarzan. The first speaker of the evening, drops the microphone off the stage. It makes a loud screeching noise. It's highly unpleasant, but it's nothing in comparison to the sound of nails being dragged against the surface of a chalkboard.)
Me (with an air of confidence): That was intentional.
(The audience stares back in complete silence)
Me: The mic drop thing? Never mind.
(re arranges some papers on the podium)
Me: Animal Prints. I haven't read the Wikipedia page yet, but from the fashion blogs that I've devoured like a caveman who had been starving for over a decade, pun intended, I have realized... (Pauses) That pun wasn't that cool, right? I mean biologically speaking, it doesn't make much sense. You know what, feel free to ignore that one. So, the thing is I have come to the realization that most of the fashion aficionados believe that it is the thrill of power and status that has fueled the market for Animal Prints over the years. And all of that works out neatly, the psycho-analysis and the allied, but you can easily Google it. So I shall not waste my time on what has already been stated and focus my energy on more unorthodox theories, so to speak. I have a theory. You might want to sit back, because this could take a while.
(clears her throats)
This is how it all started. At first, all men and women roamed about stark naked. Which worked out well for no one in particular. Mostly because when everyone's naked, no one is naked. And you can't, you know, (rests her elbow on the podium and clicks her fingers) appreciate the nakedness if you've never seen anything 'un-naked'. More so, every art was Nude Art, and there was no element of thrill or scandal involved, and once you've modeled for one, nude painting that is, no one would hunt you down and tell you what a sinner you have been, and nobody would, you know, give you this look dipped in semi lust, we shall discuss the difference between semi lust and lust later. Also, semi lust is also called closet lust, but I think lust is kind of a 'closeted' concept anyway, so you know...
(clears her throat again)
Obviously, I'm still working on that concept. Moving on. So, yeah, before clothes came into being, everything was incredibly dull and boring. I believe some of you would agree to disagree. But honestly, would you find yourself fascinated by, you know, 'the hanging gardens' and... I think it's important that we move on now. Um. Yeah, so.
(purses her lips)
The point I'm making is that...
(runs her tongue over her lips)
They get saggy. That's the point. We're not immortals, things get saggy. Anyway. Then people started wearing these weird things made out of leaves, and that kind of failed to serve the purpose, because every time you would bend over, oh you know.
(points a finger gun at the audience and winks)
But, you know, I'm not really sure why that didn't work out. For all we know, the humans never wore leaves. Although, killing animals and transfiguring their skins into high end fashion attires was a big hit with our ancestors. And contrary to the opinion that the animal skins were popular because they were warm and comfortable, I think they were in demand because they highlighted your status. Like, look, I'm wearing a leopard print evening gown, and you're just skipping around in a monkey mini. I guess I don't need to tell you which one of the two was dubbed as the tribal slut. Yeah? Yeah?
(no one responds)
Fashion is fierce. That's what I'm saying. Moving on. And then cotton and silk made an entry into our wardrobes, and everything was supposed to change by the time 21st century rolled in, because the Gods were, quite frankly, exhausted. They were bored out of their wits, I mean everyday they would shift in their thrones, or whatever those comfy cloud cushioned chairs are called, and look down to find men dressed in hideous animal prints.If they wanted to see man in leopard print, hell, they would have made him with the fur attached. They were all in for men and women showing off their 'thangs', but they also appreciated a little experimentation, and would have liked to see them wrapped up in polyester body suits. But, you know, give us something more than animal prints. Which is exactly how the man first discovered cotton, and exactly why God sent angels down on earth, and these angels disguised themselves as the members of PETA.
(gasps in order to encourage the audience to do the same, which they don't)
But people still wear Animal Prints. And that is naturally...alarming, so to speak. And they don't kill animals anymore, but they just, like, print it on cotton. And the Gods, they, you know, they shake their heads in disappointment and they think to themselves that we've been subjected to the same style of clothing ever since these freaks were living in caves, and, you know, they're sad. And that's not cool, because there's a reason they don't air Flinstones' anymore, you know.
(purses her lips and nods her head)
The Guy: Are you done yet?
(There is a boy standing behind the podium that has been placed on the other side of the stage. He leans in, arranges the microphone, and repeats his question.)
The Guy: Listen, I think you should step down now.
(The initial speaker collects her papers and makes her way down the stage in slo-mo.)
The Guy: I apologize for...whatever that was. We shall begin with our discussion on History of Clothing, emphasizing Ancient Clothing, very shorty. Thank You.
Me (runs back to the podium): Wait! I have slides! With photographs! We haven't discussed tiger print bikinis yet!
The Guy (gravely): I think we can do without it.
(A discussion breaks out in the audience. One of them stands up and requests The Guy to allow for the slideshow.
Against all odds, The Guy agrees.)
Me: Oh, you won't regret this, I swear.
Fin.
(Dear Tarika, you made my life hell with this one. Here's hell and its nastiness back at you. To wonderfully crafted nonsensical writing, cheers. Your next challenge is to write something on MY LEFT HAND. Not YOUR LEFT HAND. But MY LEFT HAND. That should teach you a valuable lesson.)
Me (with an air of confidence): That was intentional.
(The audience stares back in complete silence)
Me: The mic drop thing? Never mind.
(re arranges some papers on the podium)
Me: Animal Prints. I haven't read the Wikipedia page yet, but from the fashion blogs that I've devoured like a caveman who had been starving for over a decade, pun intended, I have realized... (Pauses) That pun wasn't that cool, right? I mean biologically speaking, it doesn't make much sense. You know what, feel free to ignore that one. So, the thing is I have come to the realization that most of the fashion aficionados believe that it is the thrill of power and status that has fueled the market for Animal Prints over the years. And all of that works out neatly, the psycho-analysis and the allied, but you can easily Google it. So I shall not waste my time on what has already been stated and focus my energy on more unorthodox theories, so to speak. I have a theory. You might want to sit back, because this could take a while.
(clears her throats)
This is how it all started. At first, all men and women roamed about stark naked. Which worked out well for no one in particular. Mostly because when everyone's naked, no one is naked. And you can't, you know, (rests her elbow on the podium and clicks her fingers) appreciate the nakedness if you've never seen anything 'un-naked'. More so, every art was Nude Art, and there was no element of thrill or scandal involved, and once you've modeled for one, nude painting that is, no one would hunt you down and tell you what a sinner you have been, and nobody would, you know, give you this look dipped in semi lust, we shall discuss the difference between semi lust and lust later. Also, semi lust is also called closet lust, but I think lust is kind of a 'closeted' concept anyway, so you know...
(clears her throat again)
Obviously, I'm still working on that concept. Moving on. So, yeah, before clothes came into being, everything was incredibly dull and boring. I believe some of you would agree to disagree. But honestly, would you find yourself fascinated by, you know, 'the hanging gardens' and... I think it's important that we move on now. Um. Yeah, so.
(purses her lips)
The point I'm making is that...
(runs her tongue over her lips)
They get saggy. That's the point. We're not immortals, things get saggy. Anyway. Then people started wearing these weird things made out of leaves, and that kind of failed to serve the purpose, because every time you would bend over, oh you know.
(points a finger gun at the audience and winks)
But, you know, I'm not really sure why that didn't work out. For all we know, the humans never wore leaves. Although, killing animals and transfiguring their skins into high end fashion attires was a big hit with our ancestors. And contrary to the opinion that the animal skins were popular because they were warm and comfortable, I think they were in demand because they highlighted your status. Like, look, I'm wearing a leopard print evening gown, and you're just skipping around in a monkey mini. I guess I don't need to tell you which one of the two was dubbed as the tribal slut. Yeah? Yeah?
(no one responds)
Fashion is fierce. That's what I'm saying. Moving on. And then cotton and silk made an entry into our wardrobes, and everything was supposed to change by the time 21st century rolled in, because the Gods were, quite frankly, exhausted. They were bored out of their wits, I mean everyday they would shift in their thrones, or whatever those comfy cloud cushioned chairs are called, and look down to find men dressed in hideous animal prints.If they wanted to see man in leopard print, hell, they would have made him with the fur attached. They were all in for men and women showing off their 'thangs', but they also appreciated a little experimentation, and would have liked to see them wrapped up in polyester body suits. But, you know, give us something more than animal prints. Which is exactly how the man first discovered cotton, and exactly why God sent angels down on earth, and these angels disguised themselves as the members of PETA.
(gasps in order to encourage the audience to do the same, which they don't)
But people still wear Animal Prints. And that is naturally...alarming, so to speak. And they don't kill animals anymore, but they just, like, print it on cotton. And the Gods, they, you know, they shake their heads in disappointment and they think to themselves that we've been subjected to the same style of clothing ever since these freaks were living in caves, and, you know, they're sad. And that's not cool, because there's a reason they don't air Flinstones' anymore, you know.
(purses her lips and nods her head)
The Guy: Are you done yet?
(There is a boy standing behind the podium that has been placed on the other side of the stage. He leans in, arranges the microphone, and repeats his question.)
The Guy: Listen, I think you should step down now.
(The initial speaker collects her papers and makes her way down the stage in slo-mo.)
The Guy: I apologize for...whatever that was. We shall begin with our discussion on History of Clothing, emphasizing Ancient Clothing, very shorty. Thank You.
Me (runs back to the podium): Wait! I have slides! With photographs! We haven't discussed tiger print bikinis yet!
The Guy (gravely): I think we can do without it.
(A discussion breaks out in the audience. One of them stands up and requests The Guy to allow for the slideshow.
Against all odds, The Guy agrees.)
Me: Oh, you won't regret this, I swear.
Fin.
(Dear Tarika, you made my life hell with this one. Here's hell and its nastiness back at you. To wonderfully crafted nonsensical writing, cheers. Your next challenge is to write something on MY LEFT HAND. Not YOUR LEFT HAND. But MY LEFT HAND. That should teach you a valuable lesson.)
hanging gardens ? thangs? Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! XD
ReplyDeleteGreat Post!!!!! :D
i like the (bracket style of writing)
Whoa. Sharath. Dude. I hope I'm proving to be a worthy opponent? :P
Delete